2012, This Blog’s For You

Happy May 1st…NOT! At this time of the year, my students are sick of me and I’m pretty much done with them too.  We’ve seen each other for almost 180 days and it’s time to issue that walking paper.  I’ve done my job, now go and find yourself.

I really like my students (the ones who like me, or at least pretend to like me), but I’m ready to just be an occasional “Hi, how are you doing?” and stop being an everyday, “Good Morning” with a smile.  They stopped listening to me a long time ago.  Now, they are just humoring me.  Their tempers are short, their smiles are sometimes fake, and they are starting to see me for who I really am, “An old English teacher”.

They keep me feeling young and I enjoy that about them, but they don’t want to show maturity when they should.  They still have a lot of growing up to do.  They are as ready to get out of school as I am.

I haven’t blogged much about this group of students.  They didn’t keep me on an emotional roller coaster like last year’s group did.  They didn’t hurt my feelings.  They didn’t drop me to my knees and make me want to quit.  They were better at lying to me and telling me they loved me…jkjkjkjk!  Well, I hope they weren’t lying, but then again, I’m pretty gullible!

May has started, so let’s start the FAREWELLS.  I’m ready for yearbooks, senior day, and then, wait for it, GRADUATION for this group of seniors.  I hope I’m ready for the next group, when August comes around.  I’m a little apprehensive about them, but I’m going to keep positive thoughts in my head for now.

I told this group I didn’t blog about them because they never made me mad, well, today, guess what? They made me kind of mad! Class of 2012, this blog’s for YOU! I’m tired of collecting make up work, do your work on time.  Yes, showing your bra in public is skanky.  No I don’t appreciate being called a failure.  Come on, I’m older than your, well, aunt…  Stop calling me baby.  You may think your innocent smile fools me, but I’d rather not deal with you, so I give in and let you go. Don’t get me in trouble by roaming in the halls or going into other people’s classrooms.  YES, You have to do WORK! I am not a dog, don’t tell me to stay! Stop coming to my class tardy. ENOUGH with the sagging and the low cut shirts.  I don’t want to see your boxers or your breasts! I think that just about covers it!  Happy Graduation!

Fifty Shades

I’ve just finished reading my first erotic novel: Fifty Shades of Grey.  This type of writing is NOT my thing, but I was taken aback by the descriptions from Ana about the charge she felt inside when she was close to Christian. A very long time ago when I was young,  I felt that!  I felt that “irrational reaction”. I was thinking some of her inner thoughts.  Why was I feeling this?  What was it about this man that made me feel this way? My heart would race, my body heat would rise. My train of thought was interrupted by the effect he had on me. I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than him and I felt like I wouldn’t be able to control myself when I was in close proximity. Even the slightest touch of fingers would make all of my senses wake up and take notice. I even tried to recreate those feelings in my own cheesy novel.  On the other hand, I did not feel it reciprocated in reality and when I thought the feeling might be mutual, I was DEAD WRONG!

I like to read about the build up, not the details.  This book was really good until around chapter 7.  That’s when the details made me feel like I was watching a car accident.  I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want to read what I was reading, but I couldn’t help myself.  I wanted to find out what was going to happen next.

I envied Ana’s effect on Christian.  The way he was as mesmerized and confused at the way he felt as she was.  When I realized I felt a one sided charge of electricity or irrational reaction to someone, I was completely confused.  I thought what I was feeling was real, but began to think I was losing my mind.  I was then ashamed and embarrassed, not to mention feeling very guilty for reasons other than my hurt pride (and it hurt my pride).  I tried to work through my feelings by writing and recreating some of those feelings between two fictional characters.  When you write a fantasy, you can make it end any way you want it to end.  You can make your characters say and do exactly what you want them to do.  That kind of control is addicting until you lose your muse, your inspiration.  Once the feeling was cut off, so was my desire to write about it. I’ve written a lot more than I’ve posted and in that writing I’ve included specific details that are too revealing for public opinion and will never be read in any public arena in my lifetime.

Fifty Shades of Grey has actually made me think of the fifty shades of myself.  Funny how the book was inspired by the relationship between Edward and Bella in the Twilight Series and Edward was the character who first made me want to write my cheesy love story.  I later went back and fine tuned it with personal feelings and thoughts I had felt in the past.  The one thing this book says that I completely agree with is: “Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high”.  This is too true.  Reality does not give you literary romantic heroes.

My life as the canvas

I heard a pretty cool sermon today.  We are the canvas and God is the painter.  What is he painting on our canvas? Jesus.  I love it when the pastor makes the lesson relatable.  He began talking about looking at a newborn and trying to predict the way they will look in the future, just as we want to know the way our future will look. He said: “We spend half our lives trying to find ourselves and shape a future based upon our hopes and dreams.  Instead God is not painting a future we sketch out but is sketching out on us and our lives the future which is already complete in Christ.”

We don’t know the plans he has for us.  We are placed in a life he has planned.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that God is the painter.  I want to paint my own picture most of the time. I want to use my own colors.  I want to be in control. I have a hard time letting go and letting God take control.  I often want things to turn out the way I want them to turn out, but in all honesty, what do I know?

It’s time to let go and let God take over.  There are times in my life where I have felt close to God and there are times when I feel very far away.  I haven’t felt very close to God for a long time.  I feel like I’m just going through the motions in my beliefs.  There have been a lot of factors that have contributed to this.  Most of those factors come from my own stubborn actions.

Sometimes you have to go through something ugly in order to find something beautiful. I’ve done all I can do for myself.  It’s God’s turn. I trust that whatever he’s is painting on my “ugly” canvas will turn out BEAUTIFUL.   Just remember God has the sketch, the paint, and the strokes to make your canvas look exactly the way it’s suppose to look.

Anxiety Disorder

Obsessed

Rejected

Unknown affection

Time’s reality

Self inflicted depression

Abused innocence

Biased Fantasy

Moral Frustration

Dead end streets

Regrets

Choices unmade

Silence

Inside Screaming

Picture perfection

Not in control

Not needed

Frustrated

Longing

Empty desire

Reconnect

Not knowing

What’s normal?

Not this.

Anxious to

Make it stop.

You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

It’s not.  It’s about me!

Protected: Tragedy

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Know what I love?

You know what I love?

Hugs.

Holding hands.

Kisses.

Music.

A tan.

Wine.

Margaritas.

Fresh Fruit.

Toddlers.

Preschoolers.

Sunsets.

Animals.

Eyes.

Laughing.

Flirting.

Someone who listens.

Poetry.

Muse.

Inspiration.

Writing.

Confidence.

Dedication.

Motivation.

Perfection.

Know what I hate?

You know what I hate?

Opening my heart to people who break it.

Confiding in someone who reveals my secrets.

Being treated like a child when I’m a woman.

Watching the bad person win.

Being manipulated.

Being lied to.

Feeling old.

Being afraid to be alone.

Not being alone.

Feeling guilty for innocent feelings.

Not being able to talk to certain people.

Being yelled at.

Having someone say “I hate you”

Not being able to change past mistakes.

My temper.

Not being able to control my mouth.

Knowing what is right, but still doing what is wrong.

Obsession.

Not being perfect.

Signs of Spring

I invaded the privacy of a couple of lady bugs today; not because I’m a pervert, but because I saw an opportunity to capture an image of Spring.  I looked at them with a photographic eye and then looked around my yard at the other signs of Spring.

Spring is a double edged sword.  It is beautiful to see, but completely irritating.  If you have allergies, you know what I mean.  As soon as the first blooms appear on that beautiful cherry blossom tree or dogwood tree,  eyes begin to water, noses begin to run, and skin begins to itch.  What did the world do before allergy medicines? The flowers and trees are breathtaking, both figuratively and literally!

Spring is a time of living and new growth.  The earth bursts into life from its long winter sleep.  This awakening of nature also makes me feel alive and makes me want to get out of the house and walk Jack or sit on the deck and listen to the sounds of life.

I have let many Springs pass me by without noticing the gifts of the season or the gift of life and living.  Spring seems to conjure a need to get outside and wake up to new days.  It’s an instinctive feeling in animals as well as humans. The signs of Spring bring new life, new opportunities, and new beginnings.

Although I invaded the privacy of these lady bugs, I feel grateful for the opportunity.  They made me realize it’s time to get out of my winter funk and enjoy the beauty of the world around me!